I have always loved watching sunsets. There is a beauty in sunsets that really touches my emotions. Recently, I’ve been thinking about how short life is, and how quickly my personal sunset is coming. I know I probably have many years, but I don’t have as many as I would like. Barring an extraordinarily long life, I’m WAY past my halfway point.
Thinking about my halfway point reminds me of how much there is still I want to do with my life. There are places I want to see, things I want to do and relationships that need to be restored. I live in an area that has TONS of things to do, and I wind up sitting at this computer and doing nothing. I don’t go to the beach, or to the mountains or the museums. I just talk about it. I don’t like going places by myself, so I wind up staying home, since I know no one to take with me. I desire to make friends, and yet I do nothing. I find an excuse (and I know they’re excuses, even as I think them)…work, lack of energy and money, I’m tired, I don’t know where to go to make friends…I fear facing my life alone, and yet I’m too scared to do anything to keep myself from facing life alone. Boy, I am a ton of contradictions!
I have letters started to people who I want to mend fences with, and I do not finish them. I just let the problems with the relationships stay where they are, and just keep going in the same ol’ way. I probably need to fix my old relationships before I try to make more new relationships, and yet I set and do nothing. Before I fix my relationship with others, I need to finally fix my relationship with myself. I have never been on real good terms with me, and I need to learn how to deal with me before I learn to deal with others…boy, what a challenge learning to live with myself has been. I truly am much better than I have ever been in the past, but the more strides I make in a relationship with myself, the more I see that needs healing, fixed and restored.
Although I have the desire to do many things, I can’t seem to find the motivation. How do I inspire myself to get off my stool of do nothing, and start myself on the path of doing something? How do I overcome my tendency to procrastinate until the last minute? Procrastination is my biggest weakness. I can always find an excuse to put my adventures off.
How do I overcome fear? I know fear keeps me from doing so much! I fear what others will think. I fear failure. I fear that I do not have the ability to do what needs to be done. I want to learn how to go from the negative emotion of fear to the positive emotions of joy, peace and happiness–and yet I let fear keep me from going into the happier places. I think I fear the transient nature of happiness…and instead of fearing it, I should be enjoying happiness whenever it presents itself.
Reading this, it sounds like I still have problems with depression. I’m not talking about he type of depression that makes you want to give up on life. It’s not the overwhelming desire to stop living. I’m talking about the type of depression that robs you of your energy. They type that just casts a big cloud over everything, and makes me feel like it’s a rainy day. This depression steals all joy.
I have always struggled with depression, but I have made some great strides. It no longer controls me like it used to, but it still influences me in some ways. I haven’t overcame depression as much as I would like to think I have. I have made great strides, but I am not the victor in the battle with depression. I don’t think a person who is not depressed would let life pass them by like I do…yet, I do not know how to fully overcome depression. It is an insidious emotion that seems to dig deeper, and deeper. The harder I fight, the stronger it seems to grow.
Why do I let the depression control me? I know I have great talents that I need to develop. I know that I have a caring, loving heart that I need to share. I have a good personality that most people seem to enjoy.
I am going to set myself a task of doing at least one thing every day that might help lift my spirits. I will pick up the camera and take a picture, or I will stop to admire and smell the stephanotis that blooms by my back gate. I will let the dogs’ love penetrate my heart. I will go the beach and watch the sun set, while listening to the gulls’ cry and feeling the wind blow in my face. I will enjoy the feel of the sand on my bare feet.
I have to overcome this depression, and get on with my life. I don’t want to be one of those who are wishing they had done more while their personal sun sets. I want to be the one who enjoyed the day. I’ve wasted a big portion of the life I’ve been given. I wasted it by not enjoying the small moments of the day, and by hoping for big moments. I think there is a peace that passes understanding in the people who have learned how to enjoy the small moments, and just let the big moments take care of themselves. It’s time to get motivated, and make the most of what lies ahead. When my personal sunset arrives, I want to be lying on the beach and enjoying what nature has provided me.